Look at all of you wonderful motherfuckers. You suffered through your university years with the grace and dignity of drunk toddlers. It’s that time of year again and many of you will soon join me and the majority of my friends in the realm of “I have no goddamn idea what I’m doing with my life.” I’m just here to let you know it’s alright, nobody else knows what they’re doing either.
Being an adult can be whatever the fuck you want it to be. Don’t let the fear of crippling debt and dying in your parents basement scare you from doing the things you want to do. Let’s just have a look at these genius people who just peaced the fuck out of America and never looked back to avoid their student loans.
If you are perhaps not into this type of extreme, that’s alright as well. I have been an official college graduate since December and am currently working at my parents hardware store and running a greenhouse full time. I haven’t applied for a single job, edited my resume to say I have a degree, or bothered to pretend like I want to do either of these things. I had opportunities, where all I had to do was just press send and my spindly resume could make its way into the hands of some random head hunter who would shoot me down for no other reason than I haven’t had 58 years job experience.
I can’t say that I’m like all of my fellow high school graduates though. Has anyone else now started using Facebook as a way in which to stalk the people you knew from high school who are actually doing things with their lives? I’m jealous and proud of all of them. Like look at you, living your life and stuff. Good for you. I want to hate you, but you’re killing it. Hopefully figuratively rather than literally.
What words of wisdom should I perhaps bestow upon all of you? Walking at graduation may be a waste of time, but do it for your parents. If you wear a killing outfit, you’ll get sweet graduation photos. If you have an uncommon name they will pronounce your name incorrectly, and you must accept this. Lastly, don’t forget to thank every goddamn person who helped you through college; Doesn’t matter if it was a professor, advisor, RA, friends, roommates, classmates, parents, some random person in the library who sat with you in companionable silence during finals. The only reason any of us made it through was with our support system of friends and family.
Congratulations and welcome to the adult world! It sucks.