I know I’m not alone in this, I graduated college and moved back into my parents house while I sort out my life. It’s not bad, I don’t have to pay rent or buy groceries, which is great for saving all the moneys that will now be stolen away to pay for student loans. I’m in a transition stage and honestly sex is something that keeps me sane. The issue that arises though is the fact that I have been reduced to a high schooler, trying to sneak boys in through the basement without the dogs barking and waking up my parents. It’s upsetting because I’m an adult and can have relations, but I also respect my parents and don’t want to overstep my bounds as a guest in their home.
Seeing as I have had to get rather creative in my recent sexual endeavors, I thought it would be useful to share some of my places for getting laid even if you live with your parents.
Car Sex
Seems obvious, but it works. You just have to be smart about it and drive out to the middle of nowhere. Wisconsin is perfect for it, as there are many a long road without streetlights. I would suggest choosing the bigger of your vehicles to allow for more positions and less neck pain. A cramped backseat doesn’t always end well.
Outdoor/Backyard Sex
Do you live in the middle of nowhere or with few neighbors? Fantastic. Lay down a blanket, use a chair, or do it standing up. If it’s summer it can be perfect, with a warm summer breeze and fireflys. Only downside is that mosquitoes are rampant this summer and you might end up with an ass of bites. If the backyard doesn’t work just find a nice quiet place in the woods, an alley, or whatever suits your fancy. By doing it outside you have the excitement of getting caught and you have the world at your fingertips.
Friend/Sibling’s Apartment
This can be a double edged sword. If you can somehow get the apartment when they’re not home, that’s preferred, but if they have a spare room and let you be obnoxious for a couple of hours, sweet. At least in this situation you’re not having loud sex for your parents to hear. If it’s your siblings place they may give you shit for it, but remember, you’re getting laid, how can you make fun of me for that? In return you can perhaps get them food, alcohol, or other forms of repayment.
Enemy’s Apartment
Do you have someone you hate who gave your the key to their place because they wanted you to water your plants even though they totally stole your leftovers out of the fridge at work and deserve to have their face eaten off by cats?! That person, you know them. Go and use that key and take advantage of their bed, couch, chair, kitchen, and bathroom. If you happen to break their bed, all the better. While you’re there don’t forget to eat their leftovers so they know how it feels.
Hotel Room
This can be a great option if you have some extra cash, but can get costly really quickly. The benefits are as follows: you can be loud, you can be messy, you can watch cable, and someone else cleans up after you. If the hotel isn’t an option because it’s on the pricier side, a motel is always an option too, and you’ll save quite a bit as motels tend to be $20-60 for a night. I recommend this for special occasions rather than every hook up you have in the month of August.
I hope these have provided some possible options to all you horny bastards. And if you want to have sex at your parents house, at least do it when they’re not home, or if you can’t resist, which again, we’ve all been there, LOCK THE GODDAMN DOOR. Now go, sow your wild oats.