Fuck Buddies Aren’t for Everyone

Alright, so first things first, I am defining fuck buddies and friends with benefits as the same basic concept.  This being a relationship based strictly around sex.  Whether your partner and yourself have a friendship or are just casual acquaintances, this is different than a one night stand in this aspect.

Sometimes life is too bloody chaotic.  You don’t want to start a proper relationship because maybe you just got out of one, you want to focus on your schooling, or you just want to get laid without committing too much additional time to a person.  A proper relationship takes a lot of work and a fuck buddy just takes corresponding schedules and a bed.

I have had some very successful friends with benefits (FWB) and some very unsuccessful ones as well.  This week I had a super long talk with an old fuck buddy who I have remained friends with since we stopped seeing each other regularly.  We get along quite well and always have had a “be open and honest” policy, and that’s what made us work.  It made me wonder what makes these strange situations successful while others go down in flames.  Below I’ve come up with a few tips to follow.

Do not become fuck buddies with someone who you really like or who really likes you

If one person develops feelings for the other, the situation is completely fucked. What makes a casual sexual relationship different is that you don’t have to have feelings of love, but you can care about one another.  Having some friendship between the two of you is helpful, but not necessary.  When you start a FWB relationship with someone who likes you more than you like them, it will only end in heartbreak.  They are forcing themselves to be something they don’t want or you are.  There is a dissonance between what each person wants.  One of you wants sex the other is happy having sex but will always want more.  I’m not saying you can’t have a crush on the person you are sleeping with, but I’m saying, don’t have a history between the two of you.  You have to start with a blank slate.

Test the waters

Not every time you have sex with a new person will sparks fly.  The first time you have sex with someone is a test of whether or not you are compatible.  Have a set of criteria for what you want in a partner such as: oral skills, stamina beyond 15 minutes, or ability to go for multiple rounds in an evening.  You know what you like, so get what you want.  Sometimes you’ll have sex with someone new, it’ll be amazing, and you’ll never talk again.  Other times you’ll have trash sex and you never want to see them again.  It is vital to have sexual chemistry with your fuck buddy, and the way to figure that out is by having sex.  This is best established through communication!  The first time you fuck might not be perfect but as long as you have fun and want to do it again, you have found a potential fuck buddy.

Establish boundaries of monogamy or non-monogamy

You may not be planning on getting married and falling in love with this person, but you should respect their feelings and desires.  If you two decide to be monogamous fuck buddies, talk about it.  Figure out whether you have a plan for when it doesn’t work out anymore.  Want to be non-monogamous?  Talk about it.  Figure out if you want to discuss new partners or dates with one another.  I have gone from having multiple fuck buddies to only one because we decided to transition to monogamy.  It really comes down to being open about what you are comfortable with.   You can start monogamous and transition into non-monogamy or vice versa, that is the beauty of having a fuck buddy, it’s a fluid relationship.  If it doesn’t work out, who cares, it’s just sex with a friend.

Talk about STIs

If you plan on having unprotected sex please, please, please, talk about STIs.  Have you had one, have you been tested recently, and are you having unprotected sex with other people?  It is totally fine to be non-monogamous, but be sexually responsible with your partners.  The last thing you want is your dishonesty to lead to losing your fuck buddy because of an STI that could have been prevented.  Before you engage in any sort of sexual intercourse I would recommend you both get tested, especially if it’s been awhile.  Planned Parenthood is a great and affordable way to stay safe!

Be sexually adventurous

Having a fuck buddy is about having fun and getting your jollies off.  Don’t limit yourself to boring vanilla sex.  Talk about things you’ve always wanted to try, there’s nothing holding you back except a lack of flexibility or chocolate syrup.  Of course there is a period where you get to know your partner, but you then have to branch out, try some new things because this is the time to get off.  Don’t pretend like you had a great orgasm if you didn’t, be brutal and honest and get what you want.  There is no point in having a fuck buddy if you aren’t enjoying the sex.  Use toys, get tied up, lick food off each other, or try some butt stuff, because if you want to do it, why not do it now? You aren’t doing anything else together, so do the one thing you are doing together fucking brilliantly.

Do what feels right

At some point you may realize that you don’t care for you fuck buddy anymore.  The routine has become mundane and uninspiring, or maybe you can’t stand the sight of them.  It doesn’t always end poorly, I have seen people who end up dating their fuck buddy, hell they even got married and have kids.  But sometimes it’s a short lived FWB relationship.  This isn’t a failure, but you do still have to be honest with your partner or partners.  Feelings happen, but don’t have to be ashamed of them whether they’re good or bad.  It’s completely natural to develop feelings for someone who is giving you multiple orgasms a night, but its making sure that you separate sex and feelings.  They aren’t the same thing.

So in the end if you can’t have sex without developing feelings, don’t have a fuck buddy.  Don’t pretend you want a fuck buddy if you actually want to date someone.  Be honest with yourself and your feelings and do what is right for you.  Don’t change just to impress someone or because you think it’ll make them happy.  It takes a level of maturity and self awareness to have a successful casual relationship.  Be an adult and talk about what you want and know your limits and comfort level.

Honestly knowing that you have someone to call when you’re drunk and feeling schwifty is awesome.  But if it’s not going to work, you’ll know it, don’t force it.  Have a schedule that works for both of you, be safe my friends, and get kinky.

 

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