How to Have Sex for the First Time That Doesn’t Totally Suck

I’ve realized recently that I’ve made the assumption that all of my readers are having sex.  Which is fair, as statistically people my age have had sex, usually by age 16.  This does apply to those who identify as straight, but not always for those who fall into the spectrum of LGBTQ, statistically the first time they have sex is around age 20.

It seems that as one grows older the pressures and expectations of sex increase.  You’ve heard stories about the sexual exploits of your friends and it becomes more and more unattainable. Those sex stories you heard from the kids in high school, lies and exaggerations, the stories you hear in college, closer to the truth, and stories after college, true.  With age the need to glorify sex is less important.  The issue arises that if you’ve chosen to wait, all of a sudden when it’s time the do the deed it’s more intimidating than it was meant to be.  So I’ve decided to create a few tips and tricks to get through the first time having sex without it being awful, because trust me, it will most likely be awful.

Love yourself before anyone else does

If you’ve never masturbated, you’re not ready for sex.  You’ve missed out on exploring your body and experiencing orgasms at your own pace.  The likelihood of you having an orgasm during your first time are lower if you’re in a heterosexual relationship, as a woman.  Having a familiarity with your kinks, and likes even if it’s in porn, are going to be helpful while preparing to have sex for the first time.  Use this time to either test out fingers, dildos, or butt plugs for your vagina or ass.  By adjusting your body, it can take away the pain of initial penetration and let you focus on the sensations and relax.

Why are you having sex?

Ask yourself why you’re having sex.  Is it for you, or for your partner?  Do you really want to do it or are you being pressured into it?  No one’s opinion about sex matters except for your own.  If you’re getting hot and heavy and feel like you want to stop, tell them you want to stop.  There is no shame in having sex, and there’s no shame in not having sex.  There must be consent between yourself and your partner. If you’ve chosen to have sex, read on.

Talk to your partner

If you can’t openly and comfortably discuss sex and your concerns with a partner, then you may not be ready to have sex.  Though one night stands are common and talking sometimes doesn’t happen, if it is your partner, TALK.  Discuss whether you’ve both been tested, had sex before, or have any issues you want to discuss.  Sometimes people have bum knees so they can’t do certain positions, some people have IUD’s and rougher sex causes them pain, some people have an STI and will require the use of a condom/dental dam every single time you have sex, and so on.  STI’s happen, but don’t be a horrible person and NOT tell a partner in fear they’ll reject you.  They’ll resent you more if you give them an STI knowingly.  Having a conversation to get things out in the open is a perfect way to break some of the misconceptions first timers have about sex.

Foreplay is a MUST

Whether you are having oral, anal, or vaginal sex, foreplay is a must.  Kissing, that graduates to nibbles on the neck, caressing the breasts and/or bum, and grinding on each other.  Foreplay is about getting your partner, and yourself into the mood, and the stimulation will provide the lubrication you’ll need.  During foreplay you can decide to continue or call it quits.

Oral sex requires conversation

Nows the point where doing some research pays off.  Cosmo may seem terrible, but they have had decent articles on oral sex and I wrote a piece about cunnilingus.  Unfortunately it’s for heterosexual couples, so it leaves out how having sex with someone who identifies as the same gender would differ.  Just because you share the same genitalia, doesn’t mean you like exactly the same thing.  Oral sex can provide soooo much stimulation, but everyone has different preferences.  Talk with your partner, if something doesn’t feel good, if it hurts, say something.  Just because it’s your first time having sex, doesn’t mean you haven’t explored your own body.  Share the knowledge of what you like with your partner, or no one is going to have an orgasm.  “I like it when you suck gently” “I like it when you use your fingers” “Ooh, don’t use your teeth it hurts” If you don’t start the conversation during your first experience together, you won’t grow into a healthy sexual partnership.  Don’t forget to take your time, and always reciprocate.

Test the waters

Oral sex tends to be the time that you and your partner will have orgasms, penetrative sex doesn’t always result in a mind-blowing, movie-worthy orgasms.  So let the foreplay and oral be a way to focus, not on nervousness or embarrassment, but on the sensations and pleasure.  Take your time to explore your partners body and have fun with it, the penetration shouldn’t be seen as the main event, but rather a continuation.  When giving pleasure focus on how your partner twitches, the way their face contorts in pleasure, and what feedback they give you.  When receiving pleasure, take a deep breath and focus on the sensations your partner is giving you and give your own feedback.  Enjoy yourself and allow the time to enjoy the moment and the experience.

Lube is worth it

Foreplay is important because arousal can bring lubrication to the penis, vagina, and even asshole.  But sometimes there can be difficulty and purchasing lube is a great idea!  Someone women have drier vaginas, some men have difficulty holding erections, and assholes don’t produce much lubrication at all.  Lube can take the dryness from a vagina, can add friction to giving a handjob or blowjob, and can help to relax the sphincter muscles.  Just make sure to have the appropriate lube depending on what kind of STI and birth control methods may be being used.  Water and silicone based lubes are great for latex condoms and dental dams, but oil based can degrade latex, but work on lambskin condoms.  Sex can feel uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t cause you a ton of pain, so invest in lube.  Fun fact for ladies, if you hydrate well, you can actually produce enough self-lubrication to never need lube.

Cool your expectations

Movie sex?  Bullshit.  Hentai?  Bullshit.  Book sex?  Bullshit.  Real life experiences from your friends first times?  Factual.  Sex has been built up to these insane standards, and for your first time, there won’t be insane fall-back-into-the-bed orgasms, and crazy passion.  Remember that it’s okay to ask questions and get advice, but in the end you’re going to have to rely on your partner, and your partner will rely on you.  We’re all human though, and that means sometimes we make mistakes, we make messes, we make noises, and we can fail.  There will be premature ejaculation, queefs, farts, juices, slapping sounds, blood, and fecal matter, but that comes with the territory. The first time you do anything is a learning experience and the same goes for sex, so let it happen at your own pace and remember it’s just one time, there are literally thousands of other times you can make up for any mistakes.  Practice, patience, and exploration are what make sex so fun.

 

If you have someone in your life who is thinking about having sex, share this with them.  It could act as a good resource to answer initial questions about sex.  Sex Ed classes are a complete joke, and online resources are the best way to go.  Let’s start some real life conversations about sex and have a more sexually healthy generation of people!  So go forth, and bang safely and like consenting adults.

 

 

 

 

 

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