“When are you due?”
Bitch say what?! I can’t even make this shit up, a woman at the hardware show last weekend asked if I was pregnant. It took all of my willpower to be polite, and decide not to empty the entire contents of my stomach onto the floor.
I’ve put on weight, I know that, but who asks ANYONE, that question. Ever. I have never in my life asked someone about the demon spawn clinging to their uterus, because it is none of my damn business. Unless someone is literally so pregnant the head is peaking out of her vulva, don’t ask because it’s none of your damn business.
In that same day I was asked by another woman when I thought I would have kids. I proceeded to explain that, if I could make my uterus any less inhabitable to sperm I would, I would pull my uterus out and donate it to science before I let anything sink it’s talons in to suck nutrients from my already unhealthy shell of a body.
I feel I’ve commented on the subject of having a childless life, but never written a full piece on it. I thought I wouldn’t have to because I had made it past that part of my life. Silly me. I’m not saying I haven’t considered the possibility or discussed it with my partner, but each time we’ve come to the conclusion that we don’t want to be parents. This doesn’t make us selfish, it doesn’t make us terrible people, it makes us adults who have had a real conversation about what we want our futures to look like, and demon offspring are not involved.
I have been at work and had customers tell me, “When you have kids you’ll understand.” People have to stop saying this to young women. First off it’s one of the most out-dated things you can say, and second, it’s seriously offensive. Let me explain. Some women want to have children but have biological factors working against them that have prevented them from conceiving naturally. Some women transitioned and do not possess the vulva and uterus combination necessary in creating a child, and it hurts because it’s a giant reminder of the fact that they can never have children. And last but not least, some people have had multiple miscarriages and lost children rather than being able to raise children, they’ve buried them. So to anyone who says this, just fucking stop. You don’t know anyone’s struggles, and there are much less offensive things to say in passing. I am placing people who say “You’ll understand when you’re a parent” on the same level as those who tell depressed people to “Just smile and you’ll feel better.”
I feel like I haven’t been this worked up in a long while, but I don’t know, maybe it’s just that I’ve been coasting by on understanding and a lack of ignorance lately and forgotten how terrible people can be. I mean when you think about child-rearing from a logical standpoint, it’s awful. It’s expensive, time-consuming, painful, dangerous, causes pollution, overpopulation, food shortages, and in general has little benefits. It seems extremely selfish to me to bring a child into a world that is literally falling apart at the seams. Why should my offspring have to suffer with toxic air, melting ice caps, drug-resistant diseases, and a whole other slew of terrible things while I have the luck of dying? I dislike this planet far too much to make a child suffer.
I do think that there are people in the world who have a natural knack for children and that’s wonderful. Regardless of gender they have a caring parental instinct that makes them ideal parents, teachers, child-care workers, and foster parents. It’s something that works for them, and that’s great, but it’s not for everyone. It’s a double standard that women should always be mothers, while it’s assumed that men don’t always have to be fathers. I have met men who are nurturing and loving towards children, work in childcare professions, and are genuinely sweet humans. But men aren’t bombarded with questions of “When you’re a dad you’ll understand.” Instead many of them are mocked for having a feminine profession. Parenting then becomes a choice for men and a necessity for women.
Parenting is a choice regardless of gender. Some people are biologically prone to be parents, and some people aren’t. Don’t force your parental knowledge and bullshit onto strangers. Yes, I do have some pity towards single mothers and fathers who struggle with out of control children, I’m aware it’s difficult, but it has nothing to do with me. Write your sappy posts about your hard life and find camaraderie with other mothers, not with women as a whole. You trying to convince me I’m “missing out” is making you come off like an asshole.
Honestly, I wish people wouldn’t ask if someone is A) Pregnant B) Has kids or C) Wants kids. Children just don’t feel like something that should be casually brought up, because for many it’s not something that interests them, or is something that causes them a lot of mental and physical anxiety. Ask about pets, about the weather, or make general conversation. No one cares about your damn kids except you, so don’t involve the rest of the world unless you’re with other parents. Then there is a community of like-minded people to discuss parenting and children with. You don’t go to vegan cafes and ask what kind of meat and foods they miss eating. My reasons for being child-free are mine too know and understand, I do not have to justify my feelings on the topic to anyone.
Everyone has the right to decide what they’d like to do with their bodies and their lives, and I’m sick of everyone assuming I want children. No one takes young twentysomethings seriously about being child-free, and it makes serious medical care near impossible. Getting sterilized at this young an age would require consent from someone else, if I were married it would be my husband. When going in they basically as you repeatedly if it’s what you want to do because you may regret it, but my friend was able to take a Friday off and get a vasectomy. Statistically speaking the percentage of women who get sterilized at a young age and regret their decision is low, from 20.3%. Because guess what? In Germany, 19% of mothers and 20% of fathers regret being parents, so statistics can be used both ways.
I have nothing against people with children. When interacting with children I’ll always be kind and polite, because children should respect adults. Not only that, but me being an asshole to a five year old does nothing but cause issues later in life. We all are independent beings who get to make whatever decisions we want. Children are a choice, get off your moral high ground about motherhood being the best feeling in the world and accept that we’re all different and have different paths. There are a slew of conversation topics to engage in with strangers. Pick a new conversation topic already, jeez.