New Year, Kill Me

It has been over a year since posting, and honestly I missed this. This was a project I was passionate about and it all just fell to the wayside. The start of 2018 was a very rough break up from an abusive partner, and then the year just spiraled out of control. I was working at Anthropologie as many of you know and working retail, well it’s just a toxic environment. I was promoted and moved over the Urban Outfitters, and eventually realized I was slowly killing myself. I stopped eating, I barely slept, I was stressed all the time. I was withering away into a shell of a being.

I keep seeing all of these really hopeful and happy posts about welcoming in 2019, and it pisses me off. Who the hell actually had a good year last year? I feel like you’re all lying to make a popular post on social media. Was I the only person who spent most of the year crying and wishing I was dead?

Did none of you wish that maybe tomorrow you wouldn’t have to wake up and all of this terribleness could finally be over?

I wasn’t doing well in 2018, I really wasn’t. I had more bad days than good. My body wasn’t healthy, my mind wasn’t healthy, and I have never wanted to end my life more than I did in 2018. I’m sharing this with you all because just because it’s a new year doesn’t mean depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts will simply reset. Have you checked on your friends and loved ones? Are they really okay? The new year isn’t a magical reset button, it’s just another day and another number. I do appreciate those of you who take it as an opportunity to try to make a clean start, but it’s also okay to just keep chugging along and doing what you’re doing.

But I digress, I don’t want this to be dark, I want to be honest. I’m trying to be better, I’m trying to be healthier, I’m trying to get my life back on track. I started doing Blogilates in November, and just finished two full months of working out, which is a huge accomplishment for me. I feel better and stronger and I’m very excited to see the progress my body makes as I continue on my health journey.

On top of working out every day (don’t worry I do have a rest day, but still go for a walk), I’ve decided my skin also needs some serious loving. Face masks? Yeah, I do at least one a day. Whether it’s a crazy Aztec clay mask, a moisturizing sheet mask, or just a rose mask, I try to do something nice for my skin everyday. I have finally started to feel comfortable going outside without make up on! My acne is finally clearing up again, my skin is smoother and I look visibly relaxed.

For my emotional health I’ve learned that it is okay to say no to going out. I overloaded myself with partners and friends and obligations and was stretching myself way too thin. I was overcompensating for my depression by forcing myself outside to do things. It took some time, but I have accepted it’s okay to say no and let the person you’re canceling on know it’s because I don’t have the social energy to do so. It shows that I am not being flaky, and that I am not upset with them, but that I need time to myself. Alone time is wonderful and I’m working on having more of a balance.

Blogging was something that was super important to me, but I think taking a break was necessary to reconnect with myself. It became something that was exhausting, rather than fun. Why put time in energy into something that is contributing to your stress? I loved having crazy rants and stories and advice, but all of a sudden I wasn’t inspired. I didn’t want to write and permanently remember a year that was tearing me apart.

I know that they say that you should have a clear topic in your blog to attract readers, but I think those who follow me like that it’s never the same. I vow this year to get back on track! I’m going to post new LookBooks, Story Time Sundays, Psychedelic Lover’s Musings, and just generally start this over.

Thank you for all of my friends, family, and partners who have supported me through 2018. This year sucked ass cheeks. Here’s hoping 2019 is just slightly less sucky.



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