There and Back Again: A Saba’s Tale

Hello beautiful humans, sorry to drop off the face of the Earth again. But I made some life changes, and then undid some life changes, and basically I’m still as much of a mess as I was before.

So lemme update you all on the last year of my life. I moved from Wisconsin to Minneapolis, Minnesota. It was the first time in my life living alone, properly. I had a studio apartment in downtown Minneapolis, and worked full time as a Counter Manager for Clinique.

I’ll be the first to say I wasn’t passionate going into this job, but I also didn’t want to live in Madison anymore. After the absolute horror that was working at Urban Outfitters, I decided to get out of Madison and away from toxic people and places. I wanted a chance to just get away.

Minneapolis was a great city to live in, but I never had any time. In my time there I worked on my birthday, Thanksgiving Day, New Years Eve, Christmas Eve, 4th of July, and basically every single day of my life. I lived most of my life through Tinder, trying to go on dates and explore the city through the eyes of the locals. It definitely worked! Found cool restaurants, explored different neighborhoods, and drank a lot. But I still wasn’t happy.

I think moving to a city is successful when you are a little bit anti social. I had too strong of a network of support in Wisconsin that I ended up isolating myself in a new city with few connections. The people you become friends with when you move tend to be people you work with, and I worked with a primarily older age group. They were married, divorced, had young kids, grown children, and weren’t the type to want to go out a grab a drink after work. Not only that but I was surrounded by drama and negativity, because apparently every retail establishment I join is filled with a bunch of people who hate their lives and take it out on each other and myself.

I am thankful for the people I did meet and become work friends with, who supported me through all the bullshit and the craziness. They kept me going. Letting me chat about my relationships, struggles with work, and general complaints. I did create a family, and you better believe I cried on my last day hugging them goodbye.

At the end of the day though, I realized I couldn’t make a home there. I had a job I hated, even though I was good at it, and was making great money. My partners lived four hours away and I saw them sporadically at most. My family and I were barely in contact. My new partners I had started to date ended up rarely working out. It was as if everything was working against me, no matter how much I wanted to make it work for at least two years, I physically couldn’t bring myself to stay.

So here I am, moved back to Madison and into my parents house. I feel lost, I feel confused, and I am no happier than I was in Minneapolis. I think we come into a new year and hope things will get better, like a magic reset will happen. I don’t know why I have disillusioned myself into this way of thinking, because I don’t even believe it, but I want to.

Are any of you happy?

I feel like a mess and a failure. What is the point of living a life when nothing you do has any meaning, how do I find meaning? Someone, please, tell me.

I had a year of self discovery that only went on to prove that I still have no idea what makes me happy. So that’s why I’m back here again, creating, writing, and finding my small niche in the world again.

Thank you for the people who physically reached out to me and asked if I was still blogging, you fueled my comeback.

The things that happened to me this year that I find to be of note and want to celebrate.

• I reconnected with my friend Natalie after years of radio silence on my end. It has been slow, but I am thankful she listened to me and allowed me back into her life.
• I got new tattoos to fill in the gaps on my arm and complete my first sleeve, a process eight years in the making!

• I flew to China to celebrate the wedding of my big brother and the love of his life, and was even a bridesmaid.

• I started counseling to help work through some of my anxiety, depression, PTSD, and general mental health issues.
• I celebrated three anniversaries with my partners!
• I watched one of my dearest college friends get married, and cried.

• I went to see Amanda Palmer and Lizzo concerts by myself.
• I listened to and read a ton of books.
• I woke up every single day and kept going.

For everyone reading this, for following this journey, thank you. I may not be consistent as all get-out, but I can’t wait to start writing again. I haven’t felt inspired for so long. Share something horrible and something wonderful that happened to you in the last year!