I Can’t Cook because I Don’t Want an Arranged Marriage

Hello, are you a single adult male who enjoys cooking for attractive girls?  Then have I got the girl for you.  Saba Zaman, aged 22, no children, multiple tattoos, swears like a sailor, freak in the sheets, and a health hazard in the kitchen.  But in all seriousness, the only things I can cook are eggs and one pasta dish.  Let me prelude in saying, I have attempted to cook, and I’m at the level where I could probably be on that show where everyone is a terrible cook and gives their families food poisoning.  I have fucked up rice, what Asian person can’t cook rice.  This guy, right here.

To my friends who are talented cooks, I give you all the kudos, because you will never die from starvation.  Like my beautiful bestie Natalie, who somehow manages to just make up recipes and they always taste delicious.  She just has this ability to know what tastes compliment each other and I’m just standing in the kitchen supportively licking frosting off of mixers.  Her family is excited for her to move back from Baltimore because they want her to bake all the things.  You know you’re talented when people miss your cooking.  (If you’re reading this I miss your cooking, and baking, and your cute face) Best friend = Cooking genius.  Me = Frosting eater.

There’s this ongoing joke in my family that my father wants to arrange my marriage. A good Pakistani girl should have an intelligent, well-off, and good looking husband to take care of her financially.  In return, my wifely duties would include cooking, cleaning, and giving birth to sons.  We’re Pakistani, it’s legit, both of my cousins have arranged marriages and I’m sure my auntie would love to help me find a husband.  By not learning how to cook, I can thus delay the inevitable.  The thing about cooking is that yes, it’s probably important for my survival or something like that, but I just don’t want to do it.  Why spend an hour after work cooking food when I could just have someone else cook it for me?! Though to the outside observer it may appear that I’m just lazy, and unwilling to the take the time to cook a proper meal; I see it as fighting for equality. I’ve never been one for typical gender role stereotypes.  My parents are completely non-stereotypical.  My mother enjoys playing soccer and running a hardware store while my father is a phenomenal cook who likes shopping.  Take that gender norms!  My inability to cook is the same as fighting for gender equality!

Nope, nope, don’t even pay any mind to that, that’s just a load of bullshit.  If you’re allergic to bullshit I can imagine you’re over your monitor sneezing like it’s allergy season.  Over the years I have had more than one occasion in which a person has offered to teach me how to cook, and I regret to inform you all that I’m a lost cause.  I have gone out of my way to make sure I never properly learn how to cook.  In this case the terrible cliche of “It’s not you, it’s me” rings true.  When I can finally cook for myself, that’s the last thing I have to be able to do to fully become a functioning adult.  It’s the final plunge into adulthood that I’m not willing to take.  I’m too spoiled by my father’s delicious cooking to want to be able to cook any of it myself. You know it always tastes better when someone else makes it.  So to all of those men out there who are talented in the kitchen and the bedroom, please inquire in the comments below.  Pictures of food you have made are a bonus.

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